A personal look at how faith evolved — or unraveled — through addiction, atheism, and nearly a decade of recovery.
I was born and raised Roman Catholic. Like most in the faith, I was baptized as a baby, received my first communion, and was confirmed as a teenager. That was just the path — you didn’t question it. You followed the rituals, learned the prayers, and accepted what you were taught. But when addiction took over and recovery began, faith during recovery became a much more complicated and personal subject for me.
But as I got older, things started to shift.
It wasn’t like I woke up one day and decided I didn’t believe anymore. It was gradual — a slow erosion of trust in the structure, the doctrine, and the guilt that seemed baked into every layer. By the time I hit adulthood, I didn’t just walk away from the church. I ran. And I did it with a chip on my shoulder.
I became a staunch atheist — and not the quiet kind. I was bitter, vocal, and more than a little angry about the damage I believed religion had caused in my life and the world. God didn’t just not exist — the entire idea felt like a dangerous lie.
But then I got sober… and everything changed again.
Not overnight. Not with some flashing light from the heavens. But over the course of nearly nine years clean, something inside me began to shift. I couldn’t deny that there were things happening around me — and within me — that I couldn’t explain with pure logic. The right people showed up at the right moments. Opportunities I didn’t earn kept landing in front of me. It felt like something beyond me was working… something I wasn’t in control of.
That slow shift moved me from atheism into agnosticism.
I didn’t suddenly start praying or picking up a Bible again. But I did start questioning my certainty. I started wondering if maybe there was more out there — something I couldn’t define, something I didn’t fully understand. Sobriety required humility. And humility opened a door to a kind of spiritual openness I hadn’t experienced in a long time.
And now? Now I’m stuck in the middle.
On one hand, I feel a pull. Like I’m supposed to keep going, keep seeking, maybe even try to find God again — or at least open myself up to the possibility of something divine. But on the other hand, the logical part of my brain still screams: It’s all nonsense. Don’t kid yourself. You’re talking to the ceiling.
So I live in this space between.
I want the truth. I want to believe in something real. But I also don’t want to fall into blind belief or force something that isn’t genuine. And in recovery, sometimes the best you can do is fake it till you make it. Stay open, even when you’re not convinced. Keep asking questions. Keep listening. I’m not here to preach or pretend I’ve figured it all out, but I know that faith during recovery can look a hundred different ways — and that’s okay.
So Where Does That Leave Me?
Right here. Honest about what I don’t know. Curious enough to keep exploring. And sober enough to admit that I don’t have the answers — and maybe that’s okay.
If you’re somewhere on this path too — whether you’re searching, questioning, or just sitting on the fence — I see you. You’re not alone.
We don’t need to have it all figured out.
But maybe we’re better off not giving up the search.
If you’re on a similar journey and looking for support, you might want to check out:
Narcotics Anonymous – A similar program with support and structure for those recovering from drug addiction.
Alcoholics Anonymous – A worldwide fellowship offering a path to recovery through spiritual principles.
💬 Have you wrestled with faith during your recovery? What helped — or what didn’t? Share your story in the comments below.
