So, I’ve been sitting here racking my brain over what I wanted to write about on such a monumental anniversary — 10 years of sobriety. It’s taken me over a week to even remotely come close to the thoughts that I thought I wanted to say. And to be honest, I still don’t know if I know exactly what I want to say.
But last week I celebrated 10 years of sobriety, 10 years of complete abstinence from my drugs of choice. I had an idea of what that feeling would be like, and to be honest, it was exactly what I thought it would feel like. I felt joy, and I felt happiness, contentment, serenity. All these things that I thought were so elusive in the first couple years of my sobriety. And, obviously, going back even further, in the depths of my addiction and my depravity. Things that I never thought I deserved to feel, things that I didn’t think were possible. I felt all these things on October 16. It was a big day.
I had spent the previous couple of days writing my yearly anniversary letters to the staff at Claresholm. It was really nice being able to go back there this past summer and give my alumni speech. As kind of a 10-year sobriety anniversary gift, that was a big deal — and it’s not over. Ten years of sobriety is a big deal. Something I never thought was possible.
What’s in the Future?
But over the last week or so that I’ve been thinking about it, it’s just raised more questions about things I wrote about in my previous post. About who I want to be and what kind of life I want to live. You know, when you have 10 years of sobriety and you come across that sobriety date, it really starts making you think: what’s in the future? What’s going to happen tomorrow? What about a week from now? A year from now? Five years from now?
I suppose the next big anniversary would be the 25-year anniversary, now that we’ve stopped counting year by year and we’ve got to 10. Maybe we can go to every five years, or maybe 25 years. But I mean, they’re all big anniversaries.
Own That Date
I’m definitely a big supporter of keeping track of your days. I think you should own that date. That recovery date, to me, is so special, so important, because it marks a substantially different path that I decided to take. I finally decided to take that hard road instead of the easy road, instead of continuing this life of maladaptive behaviour and these coping mechanisms that never, ever worked. To take this path of dealing with life head-on. And dealing with the trials and tribulations that are going to come your way — and trust me, they are going to come your way. They came your way when you were drinking, and that’s how you dealt with it — or how I dealt with it — and they’re going to come now.
The difference is that now I’m far more level-headed. I’m able to get through those emotions and those feelings. And come through them on a brighter path. Rather than just immediately going to the coping mechanism of drinking everything away.
What Does 10 Years of Sobriety Mean to Me?
So, what does 10 years of sobriety mean to me? Well, it means that I am, in fact, being the person that I want to be. It means that I am living the life that I want to live.
I want to live a life of sobriety, of abstinence. I want to live a life where I’m there for my family, where I’m there for my kids, I’m there for my employer, and I’m there for my parents. And I want to be there without ever thinking about, oh, when do I get my next drink? When do I get my next drug? Those thoughts don’t come into my brain anymore. The thought is always being present and being mindful of each and every situation that I am in.
When I’m hanging out and I’m having coffee with my mom once a week, that’s what I’m doing. I’m having coffee with my mom. And problematic behaviour is no part of the conversation, unless we’re talking about it with somebody else that is struggling.
So, 10 years of sobriety, to me, means that I get to continue to live this life the way that I want to live it. I don’t have this substance that is getting in the way of the person that I want to be.
Finding My Faith Again
Ten years of sobriety, to me, means that I get to continue to open my mind to new ways of living. You know, lately I have refound my faith again, and that has been a big deal to me. It’s like seeing the world through this lens that I used to see it through. I finally realised that what I thought was so open-minded was, in fact, the most closed-minded that I could possibly be. I have had this empty feeling for a long time. And I realised that I was correct in my intuition of what that empty feeling was, with the help of a very great spiritual leader. I’ve come to find my faith all over again, and it has been one of the greatest decisions I’ve made in the past year.
So, what 10 years of sobriety means to me is probably more than words could ever describe. It’s something sublime. It’s something out of this world, really miraculous. I didn’t think this was ever possible. I didn’t think I would make it three months out of residential treatment, let alone make it 10 years. I mean, that’s a long time.
I Have the Goods to Show for That
You know, I have this app that keeps track of my sober dates, but it keeps track of other things too. And when you see the number — that I’ve saved roughly $72,000 from not buying alcohol — I mean, I have the goods to show for that. I have the house. I have the things in the house that you want in a house. And I have the car. My kids don’t go without. My wife does not go without.
You know, I no longer live this life where I felt like I was pinching every dollar, but yet I always had money for alcohol. I always had money for drugs. And that shows now: that extra money that I was spending on alcohol is now going to better resources. I have money in an RSP. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to save for my future. I knew that I always wanted to save for my future, but I just never had the courage to stop drinking in order to make it happen.
Prioritising My Future
My money was always going to different places that were not my priority, but they were in that moment. I was never prioritising my future. I was never prioritising what is going to come down the road. It was always in the moment. Instant gratification was always the thing that came into my life, and now I don’t live that life of instant gratification most of the time. I admit there’s times when I do, when those feelings of instant gratification still come. But it’s because I want the new gaming console or tablet or whatever it might be. The instant gratification of just going out and buying this new electronic that I want is a lot healthier than the instant gratification that I used to do. But it’s still something that I’m working on.
Still Learning, Still Working on It
And that’s a beautiful thing about reflecting over the last week. I know that there are still things inside of me, within me, that I need to work on. And now I am the most clear-headed one could possibly want to be. And I revel in the idea that I get to work on these things on an everyday basis. I’m still learning more, and I still want to learn more.
Diving into the world of schema therapy and DBT, dialectical behaviour therapy, has been eye-opening over the last three months. And a lot of my new posts coming up in the next little bit are going to be a little bit more focused in the DBT and the schema world. Because while SMART Recovery helped me use cognitive behavioural therapy and rational emotive behaviour therapy, REBT, DBT and schema therapy have taken that and put it on steroids. It’s taken it a whole other level, and it’s opened my eyes so much. So I look forward, in my coming posts, to being able to share a lot more about this world. And maybe some resources that I’m using to learn about these things.
A Life Worth Living
But to sum up this post, 10 years of sobriety is a magnificent goal that I set for myself. I probably didn’t set it for myself at the very beginning. But the more recovery that I got under my belt, the more I realised that this is a life worth living. This is a life that is going to keep on chugging along, as long as I keep recovery as a whole in my game plan.
Wherever You’re Standing Right Now
So I’ll leave you with this.
If you’re reading this and you’re early in your recovery, or you’re not in recovery at all yet. And you’re just here because some part of you is wondering if your life could actually be different. I need you to hear me on this. Wherever you’re standing right now — nobody is too far gone.
Ten years ago this week, I walked through the doors at Claresholm. I didn’t walk in there believing that I’d be sitting here 10 years later writing this. I didn’t think I would make it three months out of residential treatment. If you had told that version of me what was waiting for him down the road, he would not have believed you. The joy, the peace, being there for my family, all of it. Not for a second.
So own your date. Take the hard road. You don’t have to have the next 10 years figured out, because I didn’t have any of it figured out. You just have to deal with what’s in front of you today, get through it sober, and get up tomorrow and do it again.
Because this is not a finish line to me. Ten years is a milestone on a road that I’m still walking. I’m still learning. I’m still growing. And I’m still working on the parts of me that need working on. The difference is, today I actually get to.
And that life I talked about, the one I didn’t think I deserved and didn’t think was possible? It’s still out in front of me, one day at a time.